Over time my attachment to both people and things have been dwindling. All my life I’ve been taught to keep to myself, to only take what I need and to have everything in moderation. This was how I was raised, to not spend money unnecessarily, to keep only the people that truly matter close, but at some form of distance. It was how I was treated by my parents and how I learned the process of life. Over the years this lifestyle has changed, of course in a way it’s good yet at the same time it feels like I’m in the wrong place. I can easily create a conversation or bring up a word or two with a stranger, I meet people easily, I can catch them for the short amount of time. Besides that, I keep to myself, I keep that distance between myself and them. I try to connect, I try to maintain friendships, nevertheless I always have that constant reminder of “you don’t belong here”. I appreciate my friends, I love their company, I love climbing, I love art, I love the fact that I have things to love.
I’ve become so withdrawn from everything, to a point where I don’t want to have all these things, I’ve come to realize how much climbing/slacklining equipment I have to my guitar equipment to even my [now lessening] devotion to Tumblr. These are things that I’ve accumulated over the past years, those of which I have now had to a point where I feel completely weighed down. It’s good to have that certain love of yours, the things that stay in your life forever, that you carry along till you’re old and wrinkly and can reminisce over. I don’t need some of these, I don’t want to have to waste time worrying anymore, not because of maintenance or storage but because they literally make me feel weighed down. It’s as though everything in my life that is important to me has become an object, from my laptop, cell phone, equipment, guitars. I don’t want my life to revolve around the fact that I have to double check my pockets to make sure I didn’t forget something on the train, or worry about the condition of my guitars when I’m not using them or have that urge to check my messages. I think this is one of the reasons why I want to leave Tumblr, because more and more it feels like I’m wasting my time, that what writing and posting used to do, now ceases to help. It’s as though I want to break away from my constant reliance on tangible things to give me happiness and thus give me grief as well.
As depressing as it sounds, I feel like my attachment to people is something that has also been a continuous and strenuous conflict. It is one thing to love a person, to live to love and to have those people in your life that give you a purpose; but it is another to create a life where how I measure myself depends on the state of my relationship and outward and inward reflection upon those around me. I’ve tried the “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me” attitude, where some of it has stuck but I still find myself violating what I’ve attempted to avoid. I can understand people, I can solve their problems, I can listen, I’m always there. Ultimately, this doesn’t work the other way, I don’t click so easily with others, I can’t be around most people for more than a certain period of time and I can’t find a way or the patience to decipher my own thoughts for them. I appreciate every single person I meet, their influence on me and how our brief or long relationship takes it’s course. I am a lover of human contact, whether it’s a conversation, a kiss or the slight brushing of the arms. Lately I’ve found myself relying too much on other people, to a point where my mood solely depends on my interaction with another person, whether it’s the mood they are in or the actions that take place that lead me to that point. I’m tired of having my happiness, my mood, my whole entire week be affected so easily because I’ve let someone get too close or I’ve let my guard down. I like keeping people at a certain distance, it’s better off that way for them, I need to get back to that.
Like the things I own, people will disappear, they leave, they die, they get tired or they give up. Everyone always does. Or at least that has always been that way for me. A person can only have so much patience, perseverance, a limited amount of time till they move on. They have the ability to break me, they have the ability to make me care about something that I may have never noticed and they have the ability to change me. These things do have their benefits, these experiences and connections have given me some of the greatest feelings and things in life. These things have also given me the worst feelings and experiences in my life, where I find myself wondering how I let my attachment to them become so pivotal, how I let my emotions get the best of me. There is only one person that I feel completely connected to, and yet I only know the surface of them. Is it sad? Is it sad that I claim to have a best friend yet I find a hard time even relating to him? That every aspect of our relationship isn’t as open as others? Is it sad that I barely know or relate to the people who have been called my friends? That they barely know me? These things matter to me, these things are also those that have made me so unhappy, both in the past and present.
Dear World, my name is Chui Lee and I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of letting all these aspects dictate my life. And yet at the same time, if all of these are stripped away, what do I have left? Am I the right in wanting to spend my life helping others, to teach them how to appreciate what they have in their lives, when I can’t find the true things in my own life? Can I help them connect when I fail in the ability to connect myself? If I keep people at an arms length? I can only wonder. There’s a point where these objects, these people, these relationships are a part of my life and then there’s the point where they are dictating it. I feel like that has become all that I have right now, that my life is so cluttered and disorganized, with things and people that bring me more grief and unneeded anxiety than happiness. At the same time I’m fighting so hard to keep certain people in my life because the sadness and stress now is worth it, that although I may not fully know them now I know I want to and will. This isn’t me giving up on those, for I know that if there comes a time where I don’t have my things to keep me happy, when I don’t no where to go, at least I have people who will love me without expectations. Understand our misunderstandings and unspoken words. For the time being, I want to reduce my life. Restructure. Re-organize. Rip it all down and put it back together again.
I’m sorry you had to read this.
February 10, 2011